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Home  >  The Adventures of Randy and Mike  >  Warfare Just in Time

Warfare Just in Time
Added: February 22, 2007

Briefing
The continuing large scale privatization of armed forces around the world promises to usher in an era of suffering, insanity and disaster unrivaled in all of human history. Below is a scenario that takes a few current trends and follows them to their inevitable conclusion.

Key:
SOS (Sector output sweep)
SOM (Sector output map)
SOD (Sector output degradation)
SFR (Sector Force Requirement)
SFOR (Sector Output to Force Ratio)

Action
(Scene takes place in the Belligerance Cost and Coordation Center (BCCC) of the The European Foreign Ventures Resolution Services (EFVRS). It is a large room that looks somewhat like the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. There are several large video screens on the wall with massive amounts of scrolling information....exchange rates, color coded maps of the Northwestern United States, long lists of contractors and sub-contractors and an entire wall dedicated to numbered swiss bank accounts with 6 and 7 figure balances. 25 people sit in chairs looking at computer screens with similar information scrolling rapidly by. This is much like a standard situation room for any high-tech military operation, except that 90% of the information being displayed is connected to the cost of the operations.

Mr. Brown and Mr. Hughes both wear headsets and stand on an elevated platform at the back of the room where they can see everything and call the shots. Mr. Brown is the Chief Financial Commander for the EFVR and will be coordinating the enemy force elimation/resource extraction operation that is about to be launched on a 10 block area of NW Portland. Mr. Hughes is his assistant.

The European Foreign Ventures Resolution Services is prime example of corporate evolution in the mid-21st century. It is the up-and-comer in the high-growth world of Speculative Belligerance Corporations (SBC's). SBC's have become the hot new investment in the last half-decade, far surpassing petroleum and all types of manufacturing as the most profitable businesses on the planet. They operate on the theory that lightning strike military action, followed by equally expedited revenue/resource extraction operations can be highly profitable if enemy force elimnation can be completed in the 6 hour window it takes for the UN forces to organize for a counterattack.

The explosive growth in this area has created a highly evolved and extremely competitive market for military contractors, where force projection bids (infantry, air power, artillery etc.) are negotiated right down to the final seconds before hostilities commence. This creates an environment of maximum profitability potential for both contractor and contractee, but makes the job of people like Mr. Brown and Mr. Hughes extremely stressful.

The collective opinion of the board, the CEO and the investors of the EFVRS is that the sector represents an excellent revenue extraction opportunity, due to a very favorable long term (6-10 year) revenue generation per meter ratios and the relatively modest enemy force elimination costs required to transition the sector revenue flow to the EFVRS bank accounts.

Despite the optimistic outlook, however, things are tense in the command center as the clock ticks down to zero hour...

Brown
Time to engagement?

Hughes
93 seconds

Brown
Do we have an updated SOM?

Hughes
Yeah.

(A color coded map of Portland comes up on the main screen. The city limits are divided into about 40 sectors, each one with a complex series of numbers displayed over its area)

Hughes
What's out first target?

Brown
14

(A blowup of a 10 block area of NW Portland marked "Sector 14" comes up on the screen. A huge column of numbers are displayed along side the map).

Brown
Whats the SOS?

Hughes
Its just a perimeter, infrastructure and residential, maximum economic output per meter is only about 5.5...NEAIEC isn't going to give us too much trouble on this one.

Brown
Do we have a top bidder for the airstrike?

Hughes
Consolodated Force Projection Project has it for now, they just accepted 6.9 per meter.

Brown
What's the rest of the list?

Hughes
Global Solutions and the Lethality International are bascialy tied for second. The South Africans are a distant third followed by the Franco-Prussian Industrial Alliance, Belgian Global Strategic Force Forces, The Northern Nova-Scotian Force Asset Alignment Corporation and finally the Norwegians.

Brown
The Norwegians deployed for this?

Hughes
They always deploy

Brown
But we never ever use them!

Hughes
Hell I don't know...ask them why they bid 10 times higher than everyone else.

Brown
Did they give us anything for infantry?

Hughes
Oh yeah...they have bids in on every branch...top-rated equipment, and they guarantee less than 12 seconds from contract completion to deployment.

Brown
That is fast

Hughes
The fastest, the 'Kranians take almost a minute...they say its their legal department.

Brown
Fuck those guys man.

Hughes
Hold on a sec

Brown
What

Hughes
Lethality just came in with a new bid...6.75 per meter...yep...thats going to beat Consolodated...

Brown
What is their sector output degradation rating?

Hughes
Below average, but acceptable, we are expecting the pro-rated 10 year output for the sector to suffer less than 1% degradion from air operations.

Brown
Okay...How long until the cutoff?

Hughes
14 seconds.

Brown
I think we should hold out and see if Consolodated comes in with something better...give me a countdown

Hughes
10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...Cutoff

Brown
Did they sneak something in?

Hughes
Nope...the standings are holding

Brown
Okay, go with LI...how long until commencement?

Hughes
15 seconds

Brown
Commence when ready on airstrike.

(As Brown and Hughes continue talking, the map of Sector 14 starts to light up as the airstrike hits.

Brown
How long until the artillery interval?

Hughes
2 minutes.

Brown
Who's up?

Hughes
French Foreign Force Management and Consulting...as usual

Brown
Any reason to think anyone is going to try and ambush them before the cutoff?

Hughes
No...the next bid is almost double...I don't know how they do it.

Brown
Tell me about it...okay lets assume its a lock...did you say there was trouble with the infantry bids?

Hughes
Yeah, Kraagenmaak Projetaak hid a bunch of crap in their short term value extraction contract and our legal team caught it about 10 minutes ago...the usual crap, exchange rate creep in the after action scenarios...I don't know why those guys think they can pull bullshit like that on us...do they think we don't vet the contracts at all?

Brown
Okay, fine, they are fucking fired...whos next?

Hughes
The Ukrainians, but their bid is above our maximum allowable, so we have to shift over from artillery...

Brown
So..fine do it

Hughes
Yeah, but that fucking burp in Bonneville power futures this morning sucked up the Artillery surplus, so I have to dredge it up from somewhere else...still hoping for a break on that...

Brown
Christ...okay, we'll worry about that after we get the shelling started. Standby artillery...

(In addition to the map, there are several video surveillance screens showing the sector that is under attack from the airstrike being utterly pulverized)

Brown
Artillery...GO!

(The scrolling numbers to the right of the tactical map come into focus, and we see that they are running expendeture tabulations. There is a column marked "Air Power" with several red numbers indicating the target costs, and a number of blue numbers which have been scrolling furiously during the airstrike. The numbers abruptly stop (except for fuel consumption for the planes still in the air) upon Brown's order, and the column just to the right marked "Artillery" begins to scroll quickly).

Brown
Get me an analysis on Air as soon as possible..

Hughes
...done...looks like we hit 89% of budget...

Brown
Crap...I was hoping for 86...but at least that gives us a little slack to solve our infantry problem...

Hughes
Will do...

Brown
Hey...whats wrong with the artillery?

Hughes
(noticing the numbers have stopped scrolling, and the tactical displays are not showing any destruction) Unknown...hey Victor, can you get me an artillery status?

Victor
Roger

Brown
What the fuck is going on?

Victor
They want to renegotiate

Brown
What?

Victor
They want to renegotiate

Brown
Oh for fucks sake!...NO...christ what's the next one down?

Hughes
The Ukrainians...let me check their status...nope...not available...they have redeployed to South America already...

Brown
Fuck...who can we get?

Hughes
Kraagenmaak...nope...back to Africa....IFC...Alaska....The Chinese just snagged FPIA, (rattling them off) GCIAIC - Nope, IFCCI - Nope, AAAGDC - Nope, BEATA - Nope, TEATEA - Nope, PETA - Nope GTCTCCC - Nope, BUGGA - Nope BLABBA - Nope...

(Slight pause)

...well boss, I think we are stuck with the Norwegians...

Brown
Oh my god...no...

Hughes
Yep

Brown
They didn't re-deploy already?

Hughes
Nope, they always stay available for at least 30 seconds after the bidding is over....in case something like this happens...

Brown
Ha ha...well okay, go ahead with the Norwegians....christ that is going to shoot the budget all to fuck

Hughes
How should I bill it?

Brown
Crap...(Consulting his notes)...okay...just go with code 6

Hughes
The big man is not going to like that

Brown
nope...not at all...don't worry, I'll take the bullet...I should have seen this coming...

Hughes
Okay...Norwegians online...they can commence in ....12 seconds

Brown
Go...

Hughes
going

Brown
How's our schedule?

Hughes
We only lost 45 seconds so far...we are within tolerance

Brown
Okay...now about this infantry...

Hughes
Wait a second

Brown
What now?

Hughes
Its the Norwegians...they said the payment didn't go through...the funds transfer was NSF...

Brown
Holee shit...did those motherfuckers forget to put a buffer in the code 6 account?

Hughes
Checking...yep, looks that way...code 6 is dry on my board.

Brown
I swear to god...I will walk down to exchange rate management after this is over and kill everyone there....

Hughes
and for now?

Brown
(Rubbing his eyes) We will have to dump some stock.

Hughes
Ouch

Brown
Can you get me some candidates?

Hughes
(Checking his screen) We have two billion of Atlantic Pacific that just got flatlined internally, we could flop it and get a pair of dueces.

Brown
Easy peas. Will that do it?

Hughes
Not quiet, we just need to pick up another block of 6...

Brown
Weather?

Hughes
Yeah, right!...those hurricane futures went through the roof after that ozone report!

Brown
Roll them.

Hughes
Done...

Brown
Always read your pre-action contigency summaries my boy...

Hughes
Okay we are covered.

Brown
Are they back online?

Hughes
Transferring funds...funds accepted...confirmation complete...Yes, artillery commencing...

(The Artillery numbers go back to scrolling furiously on the big board)

Brown
Christ, that was close...okay...now withdraw the infantry contract

Hughes
Withdraw it?

Brown
Yes...take it off the market...we don't need infantry today...

Hughes
Okay...done

Brown
Give them a minute or two to bite.

Hughes
We'll lose our time interval!

Brown
If we don't do something drastic, this whole operation is going to slide outside its bracket on the big board in Zurich, investor confidence will plummet, the rest of our contracts will go NSF, and we will be out on the street in minutes.

Hughes
Agreed.

(phone rings Hughes gets it on his headset)

Hughes
Ha ha...okay sir...the Ukrainians are on the line...they want to deal.

Brown
Thank God for the Ukraine!...What is our mid-action shortfall?

Hughes
Contracted?....270 million

Brown
Try it...

Hughes
Thats just insulting...okay..done

Brown
Timeframe?

Hughes
14 seconds

Brown
Double their long term revenue extraction rights and extend the dealine to 24 years.

Hughes
Done...no deal

Brown
shortfall?

Hughes
138 million

Brown
Defer the first two years to 5 and ten year balloon payments with a 6% premium

(The artillery is pounding the sector on the screens in the background)

Hughes
Done...we have to be getting close...okay...8 million...thats it and they'll go for it...

Brown
Give them satellite monitored after action real time battlefield resource extraction rights for 41 minutes after action ceases.

Hughes
Will the boss go for that?

Brown
Fuck it...all they'll be able to get off the ground in that timeframe are the ATM machines, Indiginous Human Labor Output Units and stray vehicles...we have no exposure for our primary revenue generating assets...

Hughes
Brilliant...done.

Brown
Are we good?

Hughes
Yes.

Brown
Timeframe?

Hughes
+40 seconds...

Brown
Infantry go.

Hughes
Gone.

Brown
Christ...okay how long until mop up and psyops?

Hughes
14 minutes

Brown
whew...good...what is our shortfall?

Hughes
31 million...

Brown
Okay lets take 5 and then work on the rest of it

(As they have been talking, the sector map in the background has been going steadily from Blue to Red.)

Hughes
Roger that...pause...err...sir?

Brown
What

Hughes
The Ukrainians are getting hit pretty hard sir...significantly beyond our pre-battle enemy force/resource ratio survey.

Brown
What?....put it up on the screen!

(The tactical map gets smaller and the real time drone video comes up from 6 different sources and angles showing the Ukrainian infantry and APC's getting strafed, shelled, mortared and overrun with enemy infantry).

Brown
What the holee fuck?

(The room fills with the Ukrainian radio chatter as they are getting shredded....much Ukrainian panic and Ukrainian profanity).

Brown
Who did the pre-battle force/resource ratio assessment?

Hughes
Just a sec...looks like Dutch American

Brown
DUTCH AMERICAN!?...holle fuck..when was it updated last?

Hughes
12 minutes pre-action

Brown
Oh my god...I TOLD you to purge everything from military solutions international THIS MORNING

Hughes
I did...I did I did...

Brown
Dutch American merged with them at noon, and half their fucking board used to be with The United African Financial Capital Coalition, which is the primary sub-contractor for the motherfucking Albertan Allied Asset and Strategic Belligerence Coalition which last time I checked....IS THE CONTRACTOR FOR THE FUCKING CHINESE DEFENDING SECTOR FUCKING FOURTEEN!

Hughes
(Staring at his screen in dismay) Holee shit...

Brown
Can we get a real time assessment?

Hughes
yeah...here we go...

(The tactical screen expands to fill all the screens, and in among the rapidly shrinking sphere controlled by the Ukrainian infantry, we see each building and street being scanned and evaluated for its per square meter revenue generating potential, on a 1 year, 5 year, and 15 year scale.

Brown
There it is...

Hughes
What

Brown
Fucking fibre fucking optical fucking switching fucking station....goddammit those Dutch American fuckers fucked us...they sandbagged the 15 year numbers on fucking sector 14 in their fucking update...EVERY FUCKING PHONE CALL IN THE WHOLE CITY GOES THROUGH THAT SWITCH, OF COURSE THE GODDAMN CHINAMEN AREN'T JUST GOING TO HAND US THAT FUCKING SECTOR!!!!!

(Brown and Hughes stare at the rapidly scrolling cost figures on the screens in dismay. As they watch, the red phone on their desk begins to ring. After 4 rings, Hughes answers it.)

Hughes
Yes sir, just a minute...(looking up at Mr. Brown) Its the boss...

(Scene fades as the screen continues to show the Ukrainians getting hammered and the cost figures scrolling upwards in a blur).

End of Scene.


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