Home  >  The Adventures of Randy and Mike  >  Giant Christian Robot

The Giant Christian Robot

Added: February 20, 2007

Briefing
Ordinarily, R and M avoid scenarios in which death is a 100% certainty. Mike's current girlfriend is extra special however, and when a local warlord kidnaps her and demands that the two take on the Giant Christian Robot that has been rampaging throughout the sector, they see no choice but to give it a shot...

The Action

Part One: Air Drop
(The interior of the drop plane is very loud and very cramped. There are 6 other guys besides Randy and Mike in the cargo hold. R and M are decked in their standard redneck strike gear...looking mostly like loggers...(heavily armed loggers). The other guys are fully decked out special forces style, with MP5's, knee pads, facemasks, goggles and Nazi helmets.

Randy
(Randy is unimpressed with the rest of the strike team) Where'd they dig up these stiffs?

Mike
Soldier of Fortune readers I reckon...

Randy
Awesome.

Pilot
(over the intercom) 90 seconds...prepare for drop

The troops start moving around the cargo hold, getting their weapons out of storage and making the final preparations for the drop. Randy and Mike are ready to go. Suddenly a row of 20mm holes starts raking down the side of the plane. Within seconds, the plane begins to fly apart...several of the soldiers are hit and ripped in half before being sucked out of the jagged holes in the aircraft. The roar of the air becomes deafening. Blood is everywhere.

Cut to an exterior shot of a the plane, a flaming wreck, nose diving through the sky and crashing behind a mountain. Two tiny dots can be seen floating down from the smoke trail left by the plane.

End of Scene.


On the Ground

Mike sits on his pack, plowing through a bloody bundle of equipment. Randy comes through the bushes dragging a piece of the airplane.

Mike
Is that all of it?

Randy
Yeah...thats all that I could find.

(A smoldering mangled corpse of one of the strike team soldiers whistles out of the air and lands wetly just out of sight of where Mike is seated).

Randy
Whoa!

Mike
Theres one more...maybe he's got something we can use...

Randy
I'll get it.

Mike
Do you think that thing tracked the crash?

Randy
Might've...but I think the multiple direct hits and the massive explosion might have led it to believe that everyone died...

Mike
True

Randy
What 'a we got?

Mike
Not bad...we've got weapons, we've got ammo, night vision, sensors, comm gear...snacks...we've got the bases covered, except for having the slightest detectable fragment of a fucking plan.

Randy
What else is new...

(At that second, a large super-techy heavy tank from the future crashes through the trees heading directly for R and M. They hastily grab their gear and get out of the way. The tank eminates panic, as it is going much too fast, over terrain that is much too rough. It crashes through a set of trees, and then tumbles down a 100 foot cliff rolling end over end. At the bottom of the cliff it crashes to a halt, engine dead. The engine is frantically restarted, and it lurches off the direction it had been going, obviously driven by someone who is panicked. It gets about 50 feet from the cliff bottom, and there is a high pitched whistling sound that starts filling the entire area. Randy and Mike look at each other and dive into a shallow ditch as the sound gets louder. The sound gets louder and louder until a volley of rockets comes and utterly obliterates an area 300 meters square around the tank. After the smoke clears, there is a huge smoking crater and absolutely no sign of the tank anywhere.

Randy
WHOOOOOOOEEEEEEE YEAH!...THAT'S A SHOT!

Mike
Damn.

Randy
What was that thing?

Mike
That had to be SC...nobody else runs techy crap like that

Randy
Did you get a vector on that volley?

Mike
Sure did...oh no, I guess I didn't...the ink smeared when I shit my pants!

(Several more volleys of rockets come screaming down on the other side of the ridge where R&M are crouched...they see the smoke trails, and see the huge flashes as the rockets explode out of site. After a second or two, they hear some kind of heavy artillery being fired from over the ridge near where the rockets landed).

Randy
Looks like those guys are putting up a fight...let's go check it out.

Mike
How about we don't...

(Cut to the top of the ridge with the huge battle behind the camera. There is immense pandemonium directly behind the camera, with volleys of rockets both incoming and outgoing, along with tanks manuvering, self-propelled guns, artillery and rocket pods. All we can see is the trees along the ridgeline being lit up by the flashes. After a few moments, we see the tiny figure of Mike come out from behind a tree and start looking towards the battle with field glasses. Two more moments pass and Randy does the same thing. Their presence is dwarfed by the full scale industrial war going on below them.

Mike
(still looking through his field glasses) Crap.

Randy
Lookin' ugly

Mike
What are they fighting?

Randy
I don't know...Look at the angle on those 155's!, they must be targeting 15-20 miles out!

(Another whistling volley of rockets comes in and annihilates the massive rocket pod battery to the southeast)

Randy
(after the explosions die down) Ooooooh...ouch.

Mike
Yeah...somebodies got their number...looks like these folks are getting their asses kicked...

(The 155's fire another volley from the ridgeline across the valley...flames lick 60 feet into the air)

Randy
Man...whoever is on the recieving end of that's gotta be feelin somethin...

(There is one last incoming volley, some kind of incendiary blast that turns the entire 4 mile long ridge into a complete inferno).

Randy
(Just Randy's face lit by the flames) Adios.

Mike
Yep...

Randy
You see anything else down there...

Mike
Nope...I think their blasted...that was some serious brouhaha...I wonder how the guys on the other side are doing?

(At that second, an insane whistling/grinding whine starts coming from behind R&M. The volume quickly becomes piercing, and they both writh around holding their hands over their ears in pain. A huge volley of rockets and incendiaries comes into the valley bottom below them, and an immense firestorm erupts shooting flames several thousand yards into the air. As the flames reach there peak, the earth shakes violently, as if from a massive explosion sevaral miles away. There is a brief pause, and the whine continues to get louder. The ground shakes again, this time much louder and the ground shakes so violently that plants are loosing their foliage, and several rockslides start down from in front of where R&M are still writing on the ground.

Finally, the whistle/grind reaches its peak, and an immense metal foot comes into site through the smoke from behind the ridge where they are. The foot passes directly over them, at about 100 feet, whistling through the air, with thousands of gears, servos and other mechanical parts seen moving and articulating the foot as it moves. The foot itself is 600 feet long, and despite its speed, it takes several seconds to pass over the two men and land in the enormous firestorm in the valley bottom.

When it hits the ground, there is a visible shockwave that eminates outward (like from the old nuclear test films) from the impact zone and knocks down trees for sever hundred feet in every direction. The shockwave travels up the side of the ridge and rakes over their hiding spot, ripping tree limps off and pushing a huge mass of debris through the air. They are able to hide under a mass of granite boulders on the ridge so they are not crushed. The other foot passes over the ridge about 500 meters to the East, and we see it leaving a screaming wake of destruction from the air displacement in the forest below. The foot passes over the ridge, and continues onward, over the valley, and off several miles in the distance before landing out of site.

The distant sound of its impact shakes the ground around where the two men are hiding. The screaming whine dies down for a moment, and we realize that the thing is standing still for a moment. The two men look up, and can just barely see the roughly humanoid form of the gargantuan robot stretching 15 miles (75,000 feet) into the air. The robot pauses, and turns to the West lifting two of its eight immense weapon arms. There is a deafening roar as it releases a volley of some sort of titanic automatic cannon fire at an over-the-horizon target. Portions of the atmospere are ripped away by the muzzle blast from the cannon. After the volley, it lowers its arms and strides in the direction of the fire, the earthquakes from its steps slowly fading.

R&M lie moaning on the ground under the granite rocks. Blood can be seen trickling from their ears and noses.

Randy
(staggering around on his feet) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...hey fucker...that's my truck dude...you can suck my cock you FUCK! (he lunges forward and passes out)

Mike
(He staggers to his feet, and attacks the granite block with his bare fists is a life or death fight. We hear bones cracking with each blow. He eventually drops to his knees in exhaustion, violently wretches and then passes out. As the scene fades, the camera pans up to the immense smoldering footprint of the robot down in the valley bottom.

End of Scene.


Aftermath

(It is 12 hours later. They have both recovered somewhat, though they both look like hell. They have bits of bloody toilet paper in their ears and noses. Mike has bandages on both hands. They have moved down off the ridge and are walking among the flattened tanks and incinerated artillery pieces that they witnessed the robot neutralize. There are also shell casings from the automatic cannon thing it fired when it was standing still. The casings are about 15 feet long and lay in a pile a couple hundred yards across. They fell almost 6 miles from the ejection port of the cannon so many of them are embedded deeply in the ground).

Randy
(Looking at the casings) Jeezus...what caliber are those things anyway?

Mike
A billion...maybe two billion caliber...hard to tell since I think my brain was twisted 90 degrees in my skull and violently shaken...

Randy
Yep, the old direct brain shake...why are we alive?

Mike
No idea...If that thing woulda just stepped a couple miles the other way it woulda squished us and this whole fuckin' nightmare would be over...

Randy
Rodger that...too bad huh.

Mike
The nightmare continues.

Randy
Do we have a plan?

Mike
We have a bearing.

Randy
You got a bearing?

Mike
(he is referencing a small handheld item that looks like a GPS) I think I hit the profile button with my forehead when I fell face down on the ground. It got a solid mark as the fourth horseman was trampling my soul.

Randy
Is it good?

Mike
Yeah, they obviously aren't worried about radar profile on that thing, so we can track it anywhere it goes.

Randy
Where is it now?

Mike
Bearing about 177...60 clicks...

Randy
Is it still on the move?

Mike
Nope...just holding there.

Randy
Must be laying down some kind of outrageous interplanetary bulk fire thing or something...

Mike
Most likely...its just sitting there for now...66 klicks.

Randy
Perfect...That's only about a 10 day hike...I'm sure it'll be sitting there waiting for us when we get there...

Mike
Hey, if we go closer to it, the more likely it will be to come and kill us.

Randy
Excellent point! (The begin walking)

End of Scene.


Tracking

(Scene of Randy and Mike walking through a town that the robot nerve gassed. Thousands of corpses litter the streets, twisted in death. Buildings burn in the distance. A pack of dogs with blood smeared mouths scamper off).

Mike
This looks like one awesome party town.

Randy
30 Klicks...still hasn't moved.


New Scene
(They are walking through the bottom of one of the Robot's footprints. Mike is picking up the corner of something that looks like a giant piece of sheet metal).

Mike
Hey look...see...its a tank...see...see? (he lifts up the corner to show Randy the surface so he can see that it was a flattened tank, and then drops it. It makes a sound like a piece of sheet metal being dropped).


New Scene
(Closeup of their faces side by side surveying the landscape without field glasses.)

Mike
Firestorm?

Randy
Yep...Firestorm.

(The camera pans up, and we see a city of 10 million that has been utterly incinerated. As the camera goes straight up, the two men vanish from site. The blasted skeletons of buildings stretch to the horizon in every direction.)


New Scene
(There are walking past a stack of mangled corpses...it is hard to tell what happened to them, but it looks like they were turned inside out.)

Mike
Good God!...what the hell happened to them?

Randy
Somethin' with their gizzards or somethin'...Eeeeugh!


Discovery
(They are crouched behind a ridge looking through field glasses. There is a considerable pause before they speak)

Randy
There she blows.

Mike
What the hell is it doing?

Randy
Not a clue.

Mike
You get a power reading.

Randy
Yep...its operational...its just...its just...sitting there.

(Pan back and over to show the robot kneeling in the valley bottom about 2 miles from R and M...its hands are together in classic Christian prayer).

Mike
Should we?

Randy
Yeah...let's get this over with.

Mike
Fuck it...

(Mike starts removing his weapons, undoing his combat harness, strips off his clothes and finally takes off his christmas tree boxers to be standing there completely buck naked. Randy watches for a moment, and then does the same thing.

Mike
(A calm question) Charge?

Randy
Yep...charge.

Randy and Mike together CHARGE!

(They both take off running at the robot, yelling like madmen. The camera pans up to take in the scene: Naked warriors facing the impossible.)

(The camera pans up some more, and soon all we can see are the two dust trails left by the two as they charge across the valley bottom. The robot, its immensity unequivocal, continues to kneel locked in prayer.)


New Scene
(90 seconds later. The two stand with their backs to a wall, as if sneaking around something. The camera pulls back, and we see that they have their backs up against a wall of solid steel that stretches off to the horizon, and up out of site into the air).

Mike
Why aren't we dead?

Randy
Couldn't tell ya.

Mike
What the fuck do we do now?

Randy
Not a clue.

Mike
I wasn't expecting to live this long, or I never woulda taken my fucking clothes off...

Randy
Yeah...that was a stupid idea...its freezing out here.

Mike
Are we hiding from something?

Randy
I guess so...seems like we oughta at least look like we're hiding...

Mike
Where is the thing that we are hiding from?

Randy
err...up? I guess.

Mike
This is a piss-poor place to hide from anything in the up direction...

Randy
Agreed.

(A Pause as they both stand there shivering)

Mike
Are you looking to me to do something?

Randy
I don't know...I suddenly have to pee.

Mike
Go ahead and pee...I don't care.

Randy
Awesome...(He starts to pee)...that is a great feeling! (pan back to the giant robot with nothing but the sound of Randy peeing).


New Scene
(They are both hiding in a cramped cubby in one of the munitions bays inside the robot. There are several thousand rounds of the autocannon ammo stored in the cavernous room. Immense automatic cranes move it around, sending blocks of 100 rounds up to a huge freight elevator. Teensy weensy people are visible walking around in the crane control rooms and the observation room. The entire room is shaking in a violent rhythm as the robot takes its enormous strides).

Randy
Hey...we're on the move!

Mike
(Being violently shaken) No kidding.

Randy
(referring to his weird coverall that he stole) I feel like such an asshole in this.

Mike
That's because the guy you got it from was an asshole.

Randy
Really?

Mike
Yeah...really.

Randy
I can never tell.

(Randy turns to look around the corner, and we see a big blood stain on the back of his coverall).


New Scene
(They are both hiding, getting ready to go into one of the rooms inside the robot.)

Mike
You think this is a control room?

Randy
(Consulting the stolen map on his tiny GPS unit) Gotta be.

Mike
People keep going in there.

Randy
Let's get a better look.

Mike
Roger.

(They come around to a window into the room. It is a little high, so Randy lifts Mike up on his knee for a better look. Mike looks into the room, and there is a group of 30-40 coverall clad crewmen gang raping a coverall clad female member of the crew. One of them grabs the woman's hair and pulls her head back as he enters her from behind. Aside from some low involuntary grunts, nobody makes a sound. The scene continues in complete silence, joyless and savage, with everyone standing in a circle watching as everyone takes a turn. There is no sense that this is the slightest bit clandestine...Just another day on the giant robot. After a moment, Mike jumps down and looks at Randy.)

Mike
I don't think this is the control room dude.


New Scene
(Closeup on Randy's face as he is doing an intense technical job with his hands.)

Mike
Hurry up dude, that fucker's gonna be back here any second.

Randy
Got it handled

(We see him twisting a coat hanger into a strange shape and then we hear the sound of duct tape tearing. He tears off several more pieces of duct tape and applies them. We never directly see what he is up to).

Mike
Here he comes!

Randy
Okay...here we go (he does something with his hands, and then the sound of a very urgent alarm starts blaring into the room)

Mike
You set it for NOW!

Randy
Hey...its now or never...right?


New Scene
(We see a rediculous sci-fi air scooter skimming the treetops at several hundred miles an hour. We get closer and see that it is Randy and Mike hanging on as the stolen hovercycle weaves in and out of the trees).

Randy
How do you know how to fly this thing?

Mike
I couldn't tell you one thing about how to fly this thing!

Randy
Why aren't we crashing?

Mike
I DON'T KNOW!

Randy
AWESOME!

Mike
How long till it blows?

Randy
Oh...maybe 20 seconds I suppose...

Mike
20 Seconds!... We're not far enough out yet!

Randy
Nope...probably not.

Mike
BUT THAT FUCKING SUCKS!

Randy
Yep.

Mike
Ohhhh FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Randy
I thought you were ready to die?

Mike
I was ready to die, back when we charged that thing with not clothes on, but since then things went pretty good, and I kind of got my hopes up...

Randy
Sorry.

Mike
Why didn't you tell me that we didn't have a prayer?

Randy
I thought you knew.

(We get several angles of the explosion, one kind of a towering mushroom cloud (see "Mohawk" nuclear test 1953), then view from orbit which shows the explosion to be significant on a continental scale. Then a flash on the surface of teeny little Earth from the majesty of Saturn's rings.

Cut to a view of a strange alien creature a billion light years away looking through the eyepiece of a telescope. There is a flash in the eyepiece that makes him flinch and pull away. He reaches over and writes down some strange squiggly alien writing. The subtitles translate to read "Planet Epsilon 236-a: At it again".

After the aliens, there is a quick transition back to Randy and Mike. The last echoes of the explosion are dying off in the distance...the entire countryside is a gigantic smoking wreck. Pieces of the hover scooter have been driven through trees and wrapped around rocks. The smoking handlebars lie in the foreground tied in a knot.

Mike is a twisted and mangled mess 50 feet up a tree. His clothes hang off in scorched rags. He groans. We can barely see him through the foliage of the tree.

All of Randy's clothes have been blown off completely. All he has left on is one shoe. He stumbles around, still holding a piece of the handlebars of the hover scooter in each hand.

Randy
(Delirious...Yelling up into the tree from which Mike dangles) Hey...you know...you know what really get's me about all this?

Mike
(Groaning...barely audible) What...what get's you there Mike.

Randy
Usually...usually in situations like this, my shoes are the first things that fly off!

Mike
True.

(Brief Pause)

Mike
True.

End of Scene.

Randy and Mike Index

Home  >  The Adventures of Randy and Mike  >  Giant Christian Robot