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Mike in Hell Part One - The Backhoe Fight

Added: March 10, 2007

Briefing
Randy and Mike have responded to a bounty offer for neutralizing renegade road building machinery loose in the mountains of Northern California. Apparently, a nanotechnology artillery barrage went off course and landed in the middle of a Forest Service road crew. The human operators were killed, but the machinery was converted to antipersonnel combat programming, and has been busily killing civilians, destroying towns and keeping the surrouding road systems in perfect condition ever since.

With a bounty of 10K for each confirmed kill, Lethality Concepts LLC collectively decided that the best move was to send their two best (and only) operators up to get in on some of the action. After a solid week of futile bushwhacking through the steep Northern Cal landscape, the R'ster and the M'ster finally make contact with their mission objective...

The Action
(Mike is hunkered down in a ditch watching the sentient backhoe move along the mountain road cleaning out the ditch. The territory is on the dry side of the hill - mostly pine with some madrone and the occasional doug fir.).

Mike
(over his radio) Hey big boy, I think I see one of 'em!

Randy
What's the mark?

Mike
About 200 meters up from the fork...can you see it?

Randy
Past the big tree?

Mike
Yeah

Randy
I can't see anything past the big tree...which way is it headed?

Mike
Its going real slow along the side of the road...looks like its cleaning out the ditch

Randy
Can you get a shot?

Mike
Yeah I guess...what would I shoot at?

Randy
Good point...I guess thats one part of the plan that we haven't really worked out...

Mike
Not yet anyway...hey wait a sec...

Randy
What...

Mike
It stopped...

Randy
What's it doing...

Mike
I dunno...I'm going to try to get a little better spot here...this hide has a big ol' root jammed right in my ball...

Randy
Which ball?

Mike
My right ball

Randy
That's kind of the anchor of the whole operation id'n it?

Mike
Yep...I'm movin'

(View through Mike's scope as he crabs up the hill slightly for a better look...after a couple movements the backhoe stops what it is doing and turns towards Mike).

Mike
Holee shit!

Randy
What?

Mike
I think it saw me!

Randy
Saw you?...saw you with what?

Mike
I think it saw me movin out here!

Randy
I guess that's...possible... (Mike's scope comes back up, and there's no sign of the backhoe where it was only moments before)

Mike
What the fuck happened to it?

Randy
You tell me!

Mike
You still can't see anything?

Randy
Not even close...

Mike
Okay, I'm gonna go down there and check it out, maybe it went down over the ridge or something...

Randy
I'll get up where I can cover you...

Mike
Roger...I'm rollin' (Mike starts carefully creeping down the hillside towards where he last saw the backhoe. Randy crosses the road and moves up to where Mike was hiding.

Mike
(Following the backhoe tracks) Yep, it went off the side of the road... (Mike moves closer and slowly creeps up to the spot where the tracks go off the road...he inches toward the edge, not seeing anything until he is almost across the road. Suddenly, the backhoe charges out of the trees from the other direction, wildly swinging its bucket around)

Mike
(Barely ducking the clawed bucket as it whistles over his head) GAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!....

(Mike backpedals to avoid the bucket swing and falls down, then turns and begins scrambling away. The backhoe moves with a unsettling dexterity to cut him off, and plows the bucket into the ground cutting off his escape. Before Mike moves to recover, it uses the main bucket piston to pull itself violently forward, creating a savage pincher action between the bucket and the main pin. Mike leaps free as the heavy metal parts clang together viciously...barely escaping getting crushed.)

Mike
GET...THIS...MOTHERFUCKING...THING...OFF...
MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

(Randy opens up with the SAW from his hide about 100 yards out. The backhoe is peppered with incoming fire as it continues stalking Mike, but the .223 slugs just bounce off the 3/4 inch steel plate it has welded over all the crucial parts of itself.)

Randy
What the fuck am I supposed to shoot!?

Mike
FIND THE GIBLETS ON THAT THING AND SHOOT 'EM!...FAST!

(The incoming fire from Randy continues, but to no avail)

Mike
CHRIST!...

(Mike fakes left to draw a blow from the bucket, anticipates the 'hoes move, and then rolls left to bring his silenced M-4 to bear. As the 'hoe momentarily has to wiggle the bucket loose from being stuck 3 feet in the ground, Mike fires at virtually point blank range. Figuring the steering wheel and instrument panel to be sensitive spots, he concentrates fire there, breaking most of the guages and cracking the steering wheel in half. Obviously stung, the 'hoe rips the bucket out of the ground and flips 180 degrees with unnatural dexterity. Mike continues to fire despite the futility of facing the advancing plate steel front loader which easily blocks his rifle fire. At a range of about 3 feet, he cuts and runs up the hill hoping another clever move will present itself.

Mike
(Pausing between words to pant savagely) Tell me...why...we...didn't...bring...a...rocket with us?

Randy
You're the one who went on that agressive recon down over the edge like that

Mike
How was I to know the thing was that frickin' sneaky?

Randy
What's you plan there bro?

Mike
Well, I was gonna RUN MY ASS OFF for awhile, to get away from that FUCKING THING TRYING TO KILL ME, and hope that something presented itself...

Randy
Its catching you dude...

Mike
What do you mean its catching me?

Randy
Its catching you...its catching up to you up that hill...

Mike
Do I sense a bit of glee in your voice?

Randy
Gotta admit, its pretty rediculous dude...

Mike
How much time to I have?

Randy
About one second...why don't you climb a tree?

Mike
What would I do after that?

Randy
I don't know...its gaining on you fast...I don't think you have much choice!

Mike
Christ!

(We see a silohuette against the sky of the 'hoe rapidly gaining on Mike scrambling up the hill...he glances behind him, sees the gap closing fast, and then quickly scrambles up a tree....

Randy
Dude, why'd you pick that one, its not tall enough!

Mike
CAN YOU JUST SHUTTUP AND GET BACK TO THE TRUCK AND GET A FUCKIN ROCKET!

Randy
You gonna be okay?

Mike
NO!...now HURRY

Randy
I'm gone. (POV from up in the tree...it is swaying under Mike's weight as he tries to climb higher. The backhoe comes into view and starts trying to reach him with the bucket. It can't reach him, but each swing violently shakes the tree)

Mike
Better hurry on that rocket!

Randy
I'm rollin dude...its gonna take a couple minutes...

(Another blow from the bucket smacks the tree, Mike is almost shaken loose but catches himself at the last second)

Mike
FUCK!

(He struggles to bring his rifle around, finally gets positioned for a shot, and it jams after just a couple of shots)

Mike
Perfect.

(He hangs by his legs and works on his rifle as the backhoe relentlessly hammers on the tree from below. He manages to break the action open, clear the jam and load a new magazine despite the pounding. Unfortunately, when he finally moves to shoot again, the hoe gets a particularly jarring blow to the tree trunk and he loses hold of the rifle. It falls next to the backhoe where it sits for a moment before the backhoe very intentionally flips it up into the cab with one of its leveling rams.

Mike
(Appalled at the show of sentience) Gaawwwd...what is this thing?

(The backhoe backs up a bit, and then innovates a new half-flip manuever off the front loader, that brings the bucket slamming into the tree trunk twice as hard as before. There is a loud crack and the tree almost gives it up. It holds at the last second, but obviously won't take another blow. The backhoe winds up for another slashing attack, but at the last second there is a massive explosion that envelopes the backhow in a huge cloud of smoke).

Randy
YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!......

Mike
Nice shot big boy!

(The smoke clears, and we see that the HE rocket from Randy's launcher has blasted the bucket off of the backhoe arm. There is a mass of twisted metal at the end, and hydraulic fluid is spurting from the tattered hoses...The 'hoe pauses for a moment, and then quickly self-ties the severed hydraulic hoses in knots, cutting off the hemorrhage of hydraulic fluid.)

Mike
How the fuck did it do that!

(The backhoe starts moving up the hill towards Randy's position, clearly moving to address the superior threat.)

Mike
Watch out!

Randy
How about some of this?

(There is a whistling explosion as Randy launches another HE rocket, but the backhoe moves blindingly fast to block it with the massive bucket like a tennis player hitting a volley.)

Randy
Holee fuck!

(The backhoe blocks two more of Randy's rockets in quick succession, much to the dismay of Mike sitting up in the tree)

Mike
Did you see that?

Randy
I'm out dude...I'm dry up here!

Mike
SHIT!

Randy
I'll get more from the truck!

Mike
There's no time!

(With the threat from Randy gone, the backhoe moves back down the hill to Mike's tree and starts winding up for the final blow to the trunk. Seeing that desperation is in order, Mike jumps out of the tree and swings down to land in the cab of the backhoe)

Mike
Yaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

(The backhoe goes berserk as soon as Mike touches down, much like a bucking bronco that has never been ridden (with the strap on its balls cinched down extra tight). Mike holds on to the steering wheel as the backhoe flips and bucks trying to get Mike out of the driver's seat. Soon his legs come loose, and he ragdolls around in the cab for several seconds hanging onto the steering wheel during the 'hoes tantrum.

Unsatisfied with the results of the bucking fit, the backhoe changes tactics and starts trying to smash him with the bucket and the loader, but the basic construction of the machine prevents it from hitting itself, so it can't swing any of its parts far enough to smash in on the cab. The brief pause in the shaking gives Mike a chance go recover his bearings, pick up his M-4, and start firing point blank at the dashboard. The hoe retaliates by using one of its leveling rams to flip itself over and it starts rolling down the steep hillside with Mike holding on and firing continually.

After a few revolutions, Mike runs out of ammo and resorts to using the butt of his rifle on whatever he can get a swing at. After a couple of blows, he has a thought, and crawls back under the cab. There, he sees the spinning linkages of the main PTO, whirring along at about 10,000 RPMS as the 'Hoe revs its engine into the red line for maximum hydraulic pressure. Taking a moment to pray for luck, Mike jams his rifle into the whirring PTO.

We cut back to a view through Randy's scope. The backhoe is out of Randy's sight after rolling down the hill, so he can't see exactly what happens, but there is a volcanic eruption of huge backhoe pieces that shoot hundreds of feet into the air as the rotational energy of the PTO turns kinetic from Mike's disruption, and proceeds to rip the entire backhoe to shreds. Though the exact details are vague, it is clear that the backhoe is completely destroyed.

Mike's fate, however, remains unclear.

Next: Mike in Hell Part Two - Debarkation Area 115.

Index: Complete Randy and Mike Story List

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