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Beyond R and M: Cow Creek Clusterfuck

Added: July 27, 2006

Briefing
If Southern Oregon was invaded by a Neo-Roman infantry, who would put up the most resistance?.

I'm putting my money on Roseburg.

The Action
Opening Snapshot
An ameteur photograph of several very official looking members of the Army Dominate standing with a dozen or so city administrators on the steps of city hall.  They are holding a banner that says "The City of Olympia welcomes the Army Dominate"

What the Waitress Thinks
"They are just the nicest people you can imagine....They only come to town in small groups, and they are always very quiet, very polite, and they are very nice tippers...those centurions are the nicest folks you could ever meet, and pretty to look at to!...

Snapshot
City Council looking folks holding a banner that says "Lake Oswego Welcomes the 5th Eques Legionis",

What the Mayor Thinks
 _ That is the neatest, cleanest army I have ever seen...their camp looks like an Italian piazza...they set up fountains and statues and wide boulevards between the tents...everything is orderly and clean...They offered to play our fire department in a charity basketball game...and what good sports they were!  Our boys were so obviously outclassed, but they kept it close until the end when they pulled away for the win.

Snapshot
A large group of administrators holding ceremonial scissors cutting a ribbon in front of a public building: "4th Empire of Seattle administrative headquarters dedication, Eugene Oregon June 12, 2061"

Snapshot
We see a recruiting poster for the Army Dominate on a wall.  It shows healthy young men and women marching together and smiling.  It reads: "The Auxilia Palatina Needs Brave Men and Women Dedicated to the Ideals of Peace, Justice and Prosperity"  

Snapshot
We see a brief snippet of a Powerpoint presentation being viewed by the city administrators of Springfield, OR.  The slide says "What is the Empire?".  The slide changes and then the next slide says "Since the collapse of western government, many claims have been made on the title of "Empire _ .  However, only one has lived up to the name- The 4th Empire of Seattle".  NEXT SLIDE:  "The 4th Empire of Seattle is a extraordinary group of Citizens, Scientists, Engineers, Soldiers, Artists and Statesmen dedicated to spreading peace, prosperity and civilization throughout the Northern Hemispere"

Snapshot
We see another banner being held by city administrators who look just a little rough around the edges.  It reads "The City of Roseburg Welcomes the Forces of Peace and Justice".  The camera pans up a bit, and we see the mangled corpses of the empire's emissiaries hanging from thin wire from the lampposts around the town square.  They have signs hang around their necks saying "FOK CHOMP NOK CHAG!!!"   They have been savagely mutilated, large bloodstains come down from their necks and crotches.   Some of them hang upside down.



New Scene: Tactical Discussion with the Magisters

(The four main Commanders of the Army of the Dominate, Princeps, Magister Equitum, Magister Peditum, and Magister Militum are standing in the Princeps tent discussing the pending troop movements through the mountain passes south of Roseburg.   Magister Militum is female, all the rest are male.  Several Runners stand at the ready outside, along with the mounted Magister Equitum.

Princeps
(To the Comes Eques Speculator)
What is the status on the Scouts?

Comes Eques Speculator
Seven of ten sectors clear commander, we are expecting the last three within minutes.

Princeps
Are the formations ready?

Magister Peditum
They are commander.

Princeps
Very well, (Yelling outside) RunnerS STANDBY!, we will begin in minutes.

Runners
Honor and Speed!

Princeps
Magister Equitum, If you were to hit us, where would it be?

Magister Equitum
At the second pass...it is by far the worst for us...When the Centenarii formations are halfway through the pass, the Eques Legionis will be unable to manuever on either side...there is no room for horses to fight in that canyon.

Magister Peditum
The Exploratores have reported that access to the cliffs overlooking the canyon is very limited and not passable to anything but light infantry...they will have no way to bring anything to bear from up there except light weapons...

Princeps
That lessens the risk in the canyon...Where do you think the greatest danger lies then?

Magister Peditum
They will hit us between the second and third pass, when our forces are split three ways...this is the point of greatest advantage, and they will be able to bring heavy weapons to bear from these two ridgelines...

Magister Equitum
My men will have a fighting chance in that case...

Magister Peditum
Will you be able to attack the ridges?  The slopes are nearly vertical.

Magister Equitum
If we must...we will.

Princeps
What about you, you have not spoken.

Magister Militum
It is a tremendous mistake to continue through these passes against an enemy so prepared...there is no advantage to pressing forward to the South instead of turning East towards open ground.  Our formations have a decisive advantage against any enemy out in the open...but in situations such as this...one man is as good as a hundred...

Princeps
You suggest a route that will delay us for months!  You have voiced this opinion before, and as you must know, it is respected.  However, we cannot let the single victory they enjoyed give these barbarians any ideas about the fruits of resistance...we will beat them back and claim these passes as our own...and the garrison in Roseburg will teach the populace to respect the Army of the Dominate.   We chose units who had family slain in the massacre.

Magister Militum
Scorching their ground will hardly teach them respect...I would say it will have the most opposite effect...We cannot forget that these hill folk have no bearing on the ultimate goal of this campaign, and taking needless risk when easier roads stand open is foolish...not three men in ten will get from one end of this map to the other...

Princeps
If you have such keen insight into the immediate future, won't you please divine where the attack will come from for us?

Magister Militum
You project your own thoughts upon the mind of the enemy, and that is the root of your mistake.  They will not approach this systematically, as we do, and therefore we will be unable to predict their actions, and will continually be at a disadvantage.  Both of my colleagues have presented sound military analysis of the challenges we face, but they both fail to consider that we are facing an enemy that does not think as we do, militarily or otherwise. We do not know the starting tempo of the game, and therefore we cannot gain the initiative.  Without inititive, victory is impossible.

Princeps
You still have not answered the question.

Magister Militum
The attack could come from any direction at any time from the moment the Agmen Quadratum break apart to squeeze through the first pass, until the last legion has cleared the pass at Sexton Mt.  If the Praefectus Alae can maintain double time throughout, that means a minium of seven days in which we will be vulnerable.  The specifics are irrelevant...we know that the attack will come, and we know that the pattern will not follow any logical course...

Princeps
Your opinion is honored...as always Magister.

Magister Militum
Given with loyalty...as always Comes.

Princeps
So, Magister Equitum and Magister Peditum, have your opinions changed?

Magister Equitum
There will be no quarter given, and none expected.  It is not as bad as it seems, because the men are loyal and the purpose is clear.

Magister Peditum
We can handle a few barbarians hiding in the trees...we shall not be turned around by any such.  If the enemy ignores analysis and chooses to fight like animals, that give us the advantage, not them. We shall prevail.

End of Scene


New Scene: Rooster and Bud

(We see Rooster and Bud two members of the "Roseburg Regulators" militia, high in the cliffs above the first canyon loading cases of dyanmite onto a log truck.  It is obvious that there is no road to the location, and that the log truck was dragged up to the cliff using ropes and sheer will.  They speak in a incomprehensible dialect of English heavy on the consonants ...most every word they speak sounds like "FUCK".  We need subtitles to understand what they are saying, but every moment their inflection sounds like they are about to get into a serious fist fight with each other.  Even when they do begin trading blows, it is unclear if they are joking or serious.  They are hard men from logging country.

Bud
"Chock yock roosta, FOCK ay MEKENMA dek lak MOKTA FOCK!"
(Subtitle: I've been thinkin' there Roost, and think I finally figured it out...it was your grandma that fucked that dog...)

Rooster
Eb Ya trobla cack sack, ET!
(Subtitle: You can suck my cock you Fuck)

Bud
Trekta blok o Fuckstik,  Eb Ya TROBLA COCK SUCK!
(Subtitle: We gotta load thirty more cases a' stick before I can suck your cock)

Rooster
Jab Krak Tinkla eb CRAP!
(Subtitle: You got that right you piece of shit)

Bud
Stekka moke jub chack ya fack...Te stompaa ya CRAK!"
(Subtile: once we jam this fuckin thing down their throat, I'm gonna kick your fuckin ass)

Rooster
Tuk krak akak tak FACK!
(Subtitle: I said, you're gonna suck my cock Bud)

Bud
Dik BAK!
(Subtitle: The hell...)

(Bud lunges at Rooster and knocks him down.  A full case of 90% nitro scatters across the rocky ground.  They begin rolling around on the ground trading blows.  Rooster is the first to make solid contact, getting Bud in a headlock and smashing his knee three or four times into Bud's face.   Bud grunts.  Blood spatters as Rooster continues to work on Bud's face.  The Radio Voice finally interrupts the beating.  

Radio
Grakta bak, Grakta Bak...Denta bakka et boot
(subtitle: Buck 6, Buck 6...10 minutes to go time...)

Rooster
Hak taka BRAK!...Trekta blok o Fuckstik ep ta GAK!
(subtitle: You hear that!...we still got 30 cases to go)

Bud
(spitting out bloody teeth) Bret stubba cacklin BRAGGIT!, ay tetrafuckstik aka tactin!
(Subtitle: If you weren't such a fuckin' faggot, we've have it done already)

(Rooster runs over to Bud unexpectedly fast and kicks him savagely in the nuts...Bud grunts and drops to his knees)

Bud
(Looking up with a bloody grin) Tak nek genta...CUBBY?
(Subtitle: Is that all you got...missy?)

Rooster
(after a brief pause)
Tay NEKKA tetrafuckstick...
(subtitle: Let's get to work.)

(Rooster helps Bud to his feet and they start in loading the cases of dyanmite.  They work incredibly fast, one man tossing the 80lb. crates up to the other man standing on top of the log load).

End of Scene


New Scene
(Interior of the Princeps's tent.  A major action has been delayed. Tension is running high.)

Princeps
(To the Comes Eques Speculator)
Where is that last Scout!

Comes Eques Speculator
Still no word.

Princeps
What sector was he covering?

Comes Eques Speculator
The canyon right after the first pass, here...sectors 3 and 4

Princeps
Didn't we have a preliminary on that?

Comes Eques Speculator
Horses could not navigate the terrain, so the survey was limited.  We sent a Areani specialist on foot this morning.

Princeps
(consulting the map)
Those cliffs are 400 feet high

Magister Equitum
And there is no access from the rear...

Princeps
Did the Eques unit see anything?

Comes Eques Speculator
Nothing, there is no way to get heavy equipment up those hillsides...the only threat is from snipers...

Princeps
Do your men fear some scattered sniper fire

Magister Peditum
Princeps NO!

Princeps
And your Calvalry?

Magister Equitum
I do not know what you speak of!

Princeps
Then we begin.  (yelling outside) RunnerS!...The word is given...The Army Dominate... MOVE!

Runners
Honor and Speed!
(All six Runners quickly move off)

End of Scene


New Scene

(Rooster and Bud continue to load crates of expolosive.  The Dominate Scout is observing them from the nearby.  They become aware of the Scout and make a plan of attack).

Bud
Kek Clokin?
(Subtitle: Two o'clock huh?)

Rooster
Kek dekka snak
(Subtitle: Just inside that snag)

Bud
Ke Bok?
(Subtile: Who's first?)

Rooster
Braggit's Bok
(Subtile: Faggots first)

Bud
TEK!
(Subtile: Go!)

(With alarming speed, the drop what they are doing and charge over to where the Scout is hiding.  He jumps up and begins to run away like a rabbit.  We don't see him get caught, but as the scene cuts, its not looking good for the Scout.

End of Scene


New Scene
(A Runner returns to the Princeps Tent)

Runner
The word is given...the formations are approaching the first pass.

Princeps
(He moves his unit markers one at a time on the map)
All as we planned.

End of Scene


New Scene

(Rooster and Bud have the Scout wired to a tree and are savagely beating him with tree limbs and chunks of basalt.  There is no apparent purpose to what they are doing...just another beating out in the woods.  Once again, the Radio interrupts).

Radio
Brek numnuts...dek bakka!
(All units...two minutes)

Rooster
FAWWWK.

Bud
(over the Radio) Rektabrak
(Confirmed)

(Before turning to go back to their task, Rooster and Bud casually draw their sidearms and shoot the Scout 40 or 50 times.   They get back to the log truck and begin duct taping big boxes marked "Nails" to the cases of explosive.

End of Scene


New Scene

Magister Militum
(Quietly, Looking to the distance)
This Princeps fights like a child.

Runner
Commander, the first units have entered the pass!

Princeps
(Closing her eyes and praying)
Honore Dominem. (Honor the Dead)

End of Scene


New Scene

(Rooster and Bud watch from high on the cliff as the troop formations enter the narrow pass 400 feet below them.   Bud is slowly working loose a tooth that was knocked sideways from the knee beating and is hanging by a shred of gum in his mouth.  As they watch, he finally gets it loose and spits it out). 

Rooster
Ke Tacklin'?
(You countin')

Bud
Gey, Me Tacklin'
(I'm countin')

(The troops are moving in a double time march about 50 abreast, and very soon thousands have moved through the pass.  When about 5,000 troops have passed into the narrow canyon, the Radio comes to life:

Radio
 "CRAAAAAAGAAAAAACK!"  

Rooster and Bud move quickly from their positions to the truck and then light it on fire.   As their truck bursts into flames, we see fireballs shooting up in the distance as similar trucks are ignited all along both sides of the canyon.   Once the truck is on fire, Rooster and Bud climb in the cab and exchange savage blows with each other as one last time.

Rooster
Stek stompha fuktickler...
(You're such a fucker...)

Bud
TUK KRAK AKAK CUBBY!
(You fight like a little girl)

Rooster
STEKKA...MOKE...JUB...
(Suck...my...cock)

With that, Rooster jams the truck in gear with his foot, guns the engine and launches the flaming truck off the cliff down onto the legions below. 

Rooster and Bud
GAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

The POV pulls back slightly to catch the entire fleet of flaming trucks tumbling and careening down the canyon walls directly at the thousands of troops below.  The scene cuts the instant before impact.

End of Scene


New Scene

(The Princeps Tent.  Magister Militum stands outside looking to the South.  Explosions shake the ground.  Her face is lit by distant fireballs.  She watches without reaction)

Princeps
Well, commanders, it appears that Magister Militum's arrow fell closest to the mark...these barbarians fight not with reason, but with blind rage...

Magister Equitum
They have attacked too soon!

Magister Militum
We shall have them!

Princeps
Will your javelins come to bear?

Magister Militum
I need not even give the order.

Princeps
What of the horses?

Magister Equitum
With the enemy location revealed, the Decurios will move the calvalry into the trees and flank...there is room to manuever between the first and second passes, it will not take long.

Princeps
(One at a time, to the group of Runners standing at the ready outside the tent)
YOU!, to the entrance to the first pass, tell the Comes to reinforce as necessary, but not to flood the constriction.
(The Runner leaves)
YOU!, to the rearguard, they must fan out and watch for any flanking movement...this could be a deception.
(The Runner leaves)
YOU THERE!, to the point of the spear.  Observe what you can and bring back a report on the battle between the passes.   Stay no longer than 10 minutes before returning.
(The Runner leaves).

Princeps
(To the Magister Militum)
They fight like fools!

Magister Militum
(Her face lit by flames) The day is not yet done.

(Several more huge explosions shake the tent.  Fireballs can be seen in the distance).

End of Scene


New Scene

(We cut to the scene in the narrow valley between the two passes where the log trucks dropped.  The main infantry units lay in ruins, and Roseburg Regulators have opened up with light machine guns and 75mm mortars from the cliffsides as the Dominate commanders try to regroup. 

As a large cloud of black smoke billows over the opening, a yell rises up from the Dominate forces and a narrow, fast moving column of light infantry shoots through the constriction heading for the treeline to the East.   Thrown off by the cloud, there is a pause as the Regulators must adjust their firing points 50 yards to the West. 

Once adjusted, they bring down a murderous barrage of fire on the last 30 yards before the tree line, causing an ugly mess to quickly pile up in the kill zone.  It is a feint however, and the Dominate commander uses the huge cloud of smoke created by the mortars to get the Centenarii heavy infantry armed with Javelins through the gap. 

Once through the choke point, the Centenarii do not head for the treeline, but instead fan out in Decos formation heading for the main Regulator firing points spread throughout the cliffsides.  The mortar crews fair the worst, unable to rack their weapons back quickly enough to cover the quickly moving infantry, they are unable to bring anything to bear as the Dominate troops approach.   The machinegun crews fair slightly better, scoring a few hits before the javelins are released, but the attack was coordiated perfectly and catches virtually the entire Regulator force off guard.  

We see the synchronized units of Dominate infantry charge up to the mark and throw their Javelins straight up the cliffsides.   Finely trained, and using the wooden Radii throwers to extend their leverage, the Javelin throwers reach deadly marks hundreds of yards up the cliffside.  They throw in ranks, ducking out of the way as the next rank moves forward.   Scattering and moving into the trees after the attack, they wipe out 2/3 of the Regulator force covering the first pass in slightly under 90 seconds.

With the most of the mortars out of action, the Dominate Decurios give the signal for the Calvary to move through the pass and begin the flanking action.  There is another yell that echos up the canyon, a charge of javelin infantry, and then the main heavy calvary units move through in mass, suffering only minor casualties as they pour through the pass and into the trees.  The javelins all but knock out the Regulator forces in the main canyon.

Suddenly, having only lasted 45 minutes, the battle for the first pass is over.

End of Scene


New Scene

(Late that day.  It has been several hours since the battle ended.  Cut to an aerial image of thousands of Dominate troops lining both sides of the canyon.  They give an enormous yell as Princeps, followed by Magister Equitum, Magister Peditum and Magister Militum ride through the pass in their glory.

End of Scene


New Scene

(Cut to night at the Princeps tent.  There are distant howls and strange noises echoing through the night.)

(Magister Equitum enters the tent.  He is returning from where the men are celebrating).

Princeps
Did the men receive their due?

Magister Equitum
In its glory!

Magister Peditum
This was a tremendous day...a glorious day!

Princeps
Who initiated the light infantry manuever?

Magister Peditum
It was a mere Centurio, seeing the first columns cut down severely he called out to the light infantry commander and then the Calvalry.  He led the first charge of the Javelins and survived the day.

Princeps
THIS is the Army of the Dominate!  Initiative, flexibility and discipline!   We shall never be defeated!

Magister Peditum
They deserve their fete...tonight of all nights!

Magister Militum
(Listening to the sounds in the woods)
It is a mistake...a grave mistake.

Princeps
You are still clinging to your premonition...even after the battlefield has proved things otherwise?

Magister Peditum
Can't you hear them?  They are screeching like panicked animals!

Magister Militum
That is not a call of panic...

Magister Equitum
We ran them into the hills...we killed them by the thousands!

Magister Militum
We were baited

Magister Equitum
They were slaughtered!

Magister Militum
We shall not see the morning...as we speak the noose is closing...

Magister Equitum
The calls of these primitives have addled your mind...these passes will fall, and our march to the south will continue at pace.

Magister Militum
Indeed...indeed...

(She turns to the darkness outside the tent, and the strange calls continue in the distance.   The POV moves straight up, climbing to thousands of feet in the air.   As it rises, we can see an enormous ring of fire slowly encircling the Army of the Dominate. 

Thousands and thousands of troops are moving in the dark. 

The ring of fire closes.

End of Scene


Snapshot
Thousands of incinerated troops on a wasteland of rolling hills.  The shredded standard of the Army of the Dominate blows in the wind among the dead.


Snapshot
The recruiting poster "The Auxilia Palatina Needs Brave Men Dedicated to the Ideals of Peace, Justice and Prosperity".   A big red x has been painted across the poster, and the words "GAK STAGA TEGLA KOCK!" are scrawled across the face of the poster.


Snapshot
The burned and mangled bodies of Princeps, Magister Equitum and Magister Peditum dangling from a tree by thin wire.  Magister Militum is not among them. Magister Peditum hangs by one foot. 

A slight breeze stirs them where they hang.

End

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