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The Adventures of Randy and Mike
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The Ballpoint Pen Caper
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The Ballpoint Pen Caper
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Added: Sept. 5, 2007
The Action
Scene starts with the dusty interior of a well stocked wine cellar that has obviously been abandoned for years. We hear a persistent pounding coming from the upstairs, it sounds like someone is trying to break into the house. We move from label to label on the wine bottles, first passing over a nice Chateauneuf De Pape from 1996, then a Burgundy from 2014, and finally a relatively "new" looking bottle dated 2041. We take a quick trip through the garage as well, showing several expensive cars and then go over the leather sofas in the living room. Finally, we go through the gourmet kitchen, with a full set of copper pots, a professional range, and a pantry packed full of expensive canned food. There is a thick layer of dust on everything in the long abandoned house. There is a small radio on the kitchen table, that is still playing a Christian radio station.
Christian Radio
(faintly) And I ask you, how does one *encourage* oneself with Faith in the Lord? We all share a faith and there are moments when that faith is strengthened by events in our lives, and there are times when that faith is challenged...
(The radio is drowned out as the pounding becomes more insistent and we start to hear the sound of wood splintering. Finally, as we move towards the front door, the battering ram smashes through the thick oak panels and intrudes into the room. An arm comes through the hole and feels around trying to find the lock, but it is double keyed. A muffled voice can be heard on the other side saying "FUCK!". There is a short pause, and then a series of frenzied blows begins with the battering ram that completely smashes through the door. Once the door is out of the way, two men, Randy Whitner* and Mike Dalton* crawl in through the ragged opening and start looking around with small flashlights (the squeeze generator type - without batteries). After they get into the house, we can see trees and Oregon woods through the hole, and get the impression that this is a house high in the mountains.
Randy
(regarding his bleeding hand) Christ...
Mike
Could have been worse
Randy
I guess
Mike
Do you think they'll figure it out?
Randy
No idea.
Mike
You get set upstairs and get set, I'm gonna get to work.
Randy
Yeah.
(Randy moves up the stairwell - unslinging his M-4 rifle as he goes. He starts making an enormous racket in the upstairs bedroom facing the road - it sounds as if he is tearing the entire house apart board by board, after first smashing every piece of furniture. Mike walks over to the brushed stainless refrigerator and manhandles it out of the way, tipping it over on its face on the Chilean tile floor of the kitchen. Behind the refrigerator is a small safe embedded in the wall, and Mike gets out a stethoscope and other safe cracking equipment and starts working on getting it open.)
Mike
(Over his radio) It's here, I'm starting. How does it look up there?
Randy
(Over the radio to Mike) Just a couple things in the way up here (as he says this, we see a corpse drop past the front window that is below the bedroom where Randy is working).
Mike
Christ I have to piss...
Randy
Piss then.
(Mike continues to work on the safe, and we hear the sound of fluid hitting the floor. He wrinkles his nose a bit as he works)
Randy
(Coming down the stairs) Almost ready
(Randy leaves the frame and we watch Mike continue working on the safe. After a second, Randy passes back through the frame carrying a SAW and several boxes of ammunition - we hear his hurried footsteps back up the stairs, then some more furniture getting smashed, and the the sound of shattering glass. We see huge shards of glass rain down past the same window where we saw the body fall).
Randy
(Coming down the stairs again) Great sight lines up there.
(Randy once again goes out of sight, we hear some commotion in the next room, and then he comes back into the hallway dragging a very expensive antique couch. He throws it in front of the front door, covering the hole they just made with their battering ram. He makes a couple more trips, piling more furniture in front of the door)
Mike
(As he is working on the safe) Why are you doing that?
Randy
I'm making a barricade!...we gotta have a frickin barricade right?
Mike
I guess so.
Randy
(regarding the completely inadequate barricade and thinking for a moment) Hmmm...I guess you're right.
(Randy walks back to where Mike is working)
Randy
You need anything?
Mike
Yeah, I need this tumbler to frickin' cooperate, these '61's are such a pain in the ass.
Randy
You gonna be able to do it?
Mike
Yeah, I'll get it, its just gonna take a minute or two...why don't you see if there's any food.
Randy
Cool.
(Randy takes a fire poker and savagely demolishes the kitchen cabinets, revealing well stocked cabinets of expensive canned food)
Randy
(surveying an assortment of Caviar and Salmon in one mangled cabinet) Fuck...where's the Chili?
Mike
You'll just have to make due.
Randy
Yeah.
(Randy starts loading food into his backpack as he wolfs down a couple of cans of Salmon by tipping them into his mouth.)
Randy
(Finishing his meal) Now I have to piss!
Mike
Piss then.
Randy
(Taking down a $350 copper saucepan and using it as a commode)
Now that is civilized!
Mike
Shit.
Randy
Trouble?
Mike
(taking a break and rubbing his eyes for a moment) Nope...just shit.
Randy
(Walking over to the door leading down to the basement and looking down the stairs) Did you look down here?
Mike
Nope.
Randy
Cool.
(He tosses the urine filled saucepan down the stairs, and we hear it clang its way down to the bottom. At the very end, there is the crash of breaking glass, which gets their attention).
Randy
That was interesting.
Mike
Yep.
Randy
(Taking out his flashlight) I'm going in.
Mike
(after him) You know, you should probably go back upstairs and get on lookout.
Randy
(From down the stairs) This won't take long...Wow!
Mike
Something?
Randy
Yeah, this guy has an amazing wine collection!
(We hear the sound of gunfire and smashing bottles coming from down the stairs)
Mike
(Yelling) CAN YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!
(The noise stops, and we hear Randy's footsteps come back up the stairs)
Randy
(Holding two wine bottles with the tops smashed off) That was amazing!
Mike
I'm amazed...now can you get on lookout please?
Randy
You're no fun (He pours one of the bottles into his mouth as he walks off)
Mike
(once he is gone...rubbing his eyes) Ay yi yi...
(There is a bit more smashing from up the stairs and then it stops)
Randy
Okay, I'm set with the SAW, I got a great view down the road.
Mike
Cool...okay...(the safe makes a satisfying "click" sound) Hey, I got the first drop!
Randy
Awesome!...OH SHIT!
Mike
What?
Randy
Shit shit shit SHIT!
(The sound of Randy's SAW can be heard coming from the upstairs bedroom - he is firing short bursts one after another.)
Randy
(A short pause in the firing) Trouble on the way Bro!
Mike
FUCK!...
(Mike continues to work, hurriedly, and we see him get the second number)
Mike
I got two, can you hold them off?
Randy
DON'T FUCKING WORRY ABOUT ME, JUST KEEP AT IT AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
(Randy keeps firing, as Mike works desperately to find the last number on the safe.)
Randy
WATCH IT DOWN THERE!
(Small arms fire rakes through the kitchen, ripping apart the rest of the cupboards and smashing the rest of the dishes. Daylight can be seen through the walls. Mike stands up and tips over the granite counter top to shield where he is working.
Mike
HOW DID THEY GET SO CLOSE SO FAST?
Randy
(Still firing wildly) There's about 100 of 'em dude!
(Mike works frantically as bullets snick off of the granite, finally there is a click and he gets the last number...the safe is open.)
Mike
GOT IT!
Randy
ARE THEY IN THERE?
(Mike opens the door and reaches in, pulling out a dozen or so small cardboard boxes. He pauses for a moment, looking at them in complete disbelief...and then opens one to look inside)
Mike
(As he sees the contents) YES!...YES!...YEEEEESSSSS!...We got it Bro!...looks like at least 10 dozen...
Randy
Blue?
Mike
(examining one closely) nope...BLACK!...
Randy
Awesome!
Mike
We're rich bro!...RICH!
Randy
Good cause we gotta get the fuck outta here now now NOW!
(Mike hurriedly stuffs the boxes into his bag. As he loads them up, we see that they are boxes of regular Paper Mate ballpoint pens (black ink). He is very gentle with the boxes as he puts them in the bag, and then quickly grabs his safe cracking equipment before slinging his backpack over his shoulder. He grabs his rifle and runs out of the kitchen to meet Randy running down the stairs. Just as the vacate the entryway, some kind of rocket plows through the wall and explodes, bringing down the stairway and knocking them both down. They get up, dazed, and run for the back bedroom, smashing the window open and jumping out. Explosions can be heard from inside the house as they jump down out of the window and start running through the woods.
Mike
Holee fuck.
Randy
Yeah.
(Randy is 5 steps ahead of Mike as they run through the woods. Mike looks back at the house being demolished, and then back at Randy running in front of him.
Mike
So are we going to buy an island, or a mountain fortress?
Randy
fortress has a nice ring to it...I was thinking fortress...
Mike
Nice.
(As Mike watches, Randy appears to trip and fall, and then starts rolling around on the ground twitching and writhing. Mike runs up to him and attempts to help him up).
Mike
Dude?
Randy
Glaaaaackkaakakakakakkka!!!
(As he rolls Randy over to help him up, he sees two wires going to Randy's chest and then traces them back off into the woods behind them)
Mike
Oh...no...no.
(Another taser shot hits Mike square in the back, and he drops to the ground writhing like Randy. After a moment or two, Commander Shankton** walks out of the trees followed by two soldiers holding the Taser weapons causing Randy and Mike so much discomfort).
Shankton
Well done.
Soldier
What should we do with them sir?
Shankton
Have some fun with them, and then turn them into the Recruiter in the morning, I hear they have a big action planned down South and they need fresh meat.
Soldier
Yes sir!
(Shankton walks over to Mike's backpack and pulls out one of the boxes of pens)
Shankton
Well, well, well...going for the big score eh boys?...too bad you dumb hillbilly friends can't keep a secret, you might have gotten away with it.
Mike
(Mike tries to articulate the words "Fuck Off" but the convulsions from the searing pain in his back just garble up the words) FRAAACKKAKAKA!!!
(SHANKTON takes the backpack and starts to walk away)
Shankton
I can't believe you tried to cross me boys...incredible, just incredible
(Shankton disappears into the woods, and several soldiers approach Randy and Mike, and start stuffing them into huge black canvas bags marked "UNITED FINANCIAL FORCES OF THE FORMER UKRAINE RECRUITING CENTER".)
-End.
*Our Heroes
** The Dastardly Ongoing Nemesis
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